put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
