My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
