if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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