She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
