At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
