So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
