I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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