drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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