rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
50% drunk capacity currently
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
