took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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