6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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