I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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