She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize