I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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