i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
