some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
