Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
