youre lurking in front of me
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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