This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
