Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
