conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
