I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
