I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
