i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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