I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
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What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
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People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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