Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
