I wish I only lived at night.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
