new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
