..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
