I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
