apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
