is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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