i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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