Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
