I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
