well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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