why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
