Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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