if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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