If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
