Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
