Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
