You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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