She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
