You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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