Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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