Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
