he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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