It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
