I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Congratulations! We have a period
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
