i can't believe i had my finger in that
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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