just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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