Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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