YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
