dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
