And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
