haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
